With apologies to paraphrasing Byron Katie, I’ve been thinking a lot about ‘loving what is’. I am prone to envy – an emotion so toxic and at odds with my ethics that I rarely even admit to friends that I feel like this. In trying to unpack why I feel envious, and the impact it has on how I interact with others and live my own life, I keep coming back to gratitude.
And it’s a relief – it’s so much simpler to find ways to be grateful rather than trying to ‘stop being envious’. It struck me that gratitude is the only tool available for digging out the roots of envy and getting on with a positive life.
In thinking about this area, I realised I have some limiting – and, frankly, horrendous – beliefs. I share them here not to totally put you off me (though I understand if that’s the case) but because recognising them is part of forgiving myself for feeling this way then weeding them out:
- I worked hard for what I have – others were lucky. This is not something I believe with any part of my rational brain, but I see thoughts based on this popping up when someone is doing well. This has been really stark for me with housing, partly because in the UK at least, people who were on the property ladder some time back, or had family support at a crucial moment, are in a position that nobody could get to starting from now. Our landlord recently told me that the house we rent from them (at huge cost) has gone up $100,000 in the last year. Whilst the system is stacked in a certain way, I conveniently forget the times it has worked in my favour.
- I deserve more. Oh dear. This is particularly toxic because at its core is dissatisfaction and lack of gratitude for where I am now. Which – whilst it’s not perfect – is ridiculous. My income puts me in the top 1% world wide. I am healthy and so are my amazing kids (touch wood) – and I have amazing kids. I live in the fifth happiest city in the world, one which is so safe that my 11 year old can go alone to hang out with friends. There is so much to be grateful for I am amazed that I can find the brain space to focus on the bullshit instead of weeping with happiness every day, but somehow it happens.
- It wouldn’t be like this if I wasn’t a single parent. I have a specially wide jealous streak for two-parent households where I compare their options (including to work hard, take breaks, have an income double mine because there are two adults in their household) which is also unfair. There are all sorts of reasons why people are where they are on their path, and all sorts of unseen compromises. I had to make the decisions which were right for my family, and manage the consequences instead of constantly thinking ‘what if’.
So why does this matter? Apart from it making me unpleasantly whingy (at least in my head) these kind of thoughts become limiting beliefs and it takes work to get over those. This has led to limiting myself – if I really believe that others are lucky and I work hard, why bother working hard? If I am ‘unlucky’ how do I believe that things are going to work out? Its also exhausting and boring to feel this way, and it makes me negative. Consciously hearing how these beliefs play out in how I talk to people, and interact with them, has led to some very uncomfortable recognitions about myself.
But happily none of this is ingrained – every day provides a chance for change and growth. Now that’s something to be grateful for!